


A Troll Doll in a Hummer

by orphan_account



Series: That Was More Like A Mouth Punch Than a Kiss [4]
Category: Kill la Kill
Genre: Gen, Short Drabble, interlude episode, stupid text message convos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-16
Updated: 2014-03-16
Packaged: 2018-01-15 23:54:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1323985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ryuko plans to take the shuttle bus to school today, not wanting to hitch a ride with Mako and Gamagori. She's harassed by a tiny woman in a hummer instead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Troll Doll in a Hummer

Mako had been punishing her all week.

Waking her up early, making sure she was going to class, Mako was taking extra care in her well-being, and that alone worried her. That wasn’t to say that Mako didn’t care about her well-being when she wasn’t punishing her, but she usually let her do as she pleased and trusted her to be responsible enough to take care of herself without any help.

It was the last straw when Mako asked if she wanted to get a ride to school with her and Gamagori and his crappy moped.

“No. Absolutely not. I don’t even know how he fits on that tiny piece of shit, let alone both of you,” Ryuko said, shaking her head. “I’ll take the shuttle bus to school, thanks. Not feeling taking my bike today.”

Mako pouted at her but conceded. “Fine. Be careful!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Ryuko grumbled, watching her turn and begin to leave. “Oh! W-wait! Mako!”

Mako spun around to look at her.

“Stop punishing me!”

Mako thought about it for a moment as Gamagori handed her a spare helmet. “I’ll think about it!” She decided before she left, speeding off on a puttering moped.

“Well, at least it’s better than a no,” Ryuko grunted, fixing her bag’s straps before she started on her way to the shuttle stop.

She stopped on her way there in order to take a picture of a black pomeranian with her phone. Then, finding Satsuki’s number, she texted, “hey u missin an eyebrow”

The response was immediate. “No.”

“u sure because i think i found it” Ryuko tapped before she sent the picture she just took. “lmao” she added, for good measure.

Satsuki answered with another monosyllabic word: “Stop.”

“wow ok dont get ur jimmies rustled”

“My ‘jimmies’ are completely unrustled, thank you.”

“lol u put jimmies in quotes u old lady

wait fuck no then id be fuckin an old lady

ur a woman in ur prime eyebrows dont u forget it” Ryuko scratched her head and started walking again, suddenly realizing she had stopped in the first place.

“Oh my God, stop. Before you embarrass yourself further. Go to class. Learn things. Stop texting me pictures of dogs and asking if it’s my eyebrow on the loose. This is the third time you’ve sent this joke.”

“still funny tho”

“I wasn’t funny the first time. Or the second.

The second time you sent me a picture of a sheepdog. My eyebrows aren’t white.”

Ryuko sneered down at her phone and she sighed, messaging an “okay fine” to her. She pocketed her phone and walked the rest of the way to the shuttle bus pick-up. Once she reached the stop, she leaned back against the (unfortunately filled) shelter and pulled out her phone, flipping through her games and avoiding updates whenever possible.

It was when she was playing solitaire for the third time when she heard the faint sound of Mozart’s Don Giovanni. She lifted her head and looked around, frowning, but when she saw nobody on the road she shrugged and went back to her game. Her head shot back up again when she heard the screeching of wheels and Don Giovanni at a deafening level of volume. At the corner, maybe fifty feet away and closing at a rapid pace, a massive pink hummer sped down the street before turning into the other lane and stopping right in front of Ryuko.

Now, Ryuko didn’t have a driver’s license, but she was pretty sure that whoever was doing this had no grasp on any road laws. At all.

All of the windows were rolled down, and Ryuko felt as though she were physically moved by the force of the music playing from the car’s speakers. In the front seat was a woman with pink hair and a beanie, who was scanning the crowd of people waiting in line for the bus. In the back seat was some nerd boy with his collar raised halfway up his face, completely enthralled with the computer in his lap.

The woman leaned over, turned the volume down by about two notches, looked right at Ryuko, and said, “Hey. You Ryuko Matoi?”

“Who’s asking?” Ryuko answered, crossing her arms defensively.

The woman just rolled her eyes. “Don’t do that stupid tough guy act, you look like a fucking idiot. Just get in the car, Matoi,” she answered, jerking her thumb to the passenger seat.

“Give me a ride to school and I’ll get in.”

The woman raised a brow. “Wow. That easy, huh? I can see why my lady’s fooling around with you,” she said, completely ignoring how Ryuko bristled at that. “Whatever, just get in the car, I’ll drive you.”

The man with the ridiculous collar spoke up then. “I’d just do it if I were you. She’s being a lot less difficult than she usually is.”

Ryuko sighed and stepped around the improperly parked car in order to get to the passenger seat. As she buckled herself in, she glanced over at the woman, eyebrow quirked. “Oh my God, you’re tiny. How do you even drive this car?”

She shot her a glare and put the car in drive, quickly swerving around to the right lane.

Ryuko seemed unperturbed by her lack of response. “You’re like a troll doll, y’know? Short, multicolored hair,” she added. Well, she was wearing clothes at least; aside from her beanie she wore a pink skirt, a pair of white thigh highs -Ryuko struggled to not look at the garters she could see from where her pastel skirt was riding up-, a mint blouse, and a denim jacket, rolled up at the elbows.

She was definitely short -Ryuko doubted if she was even five feet tall- and not particularly thin, with thick thighs, wide hips, and (admittedly) a pretty sizeable bust.

“Shut the fuck up,” the other woman shot back, gritting her teeth and snapping Ryuko back into reality. “You shitty halfwit, if you could stop talking about how insulting my height is to you we can talk about what I fucking drove all the way over here for and we can leave in peace before I catch your stupid.”

Under the sound of an opera singer, Ryuko muttered, “You can’t  _catch_  stupid.”

For a while, the only sound from the car was the opera, in full swing, loud and impressive, and the sound of the woman in the driver’s seat verbally harassing people she didn’t seem to like on the side of the road. “Pull your pants up, you shitty excuse for a human being!” was one of the shouts, and Ryuko had to physically control herself to not laugh. It was when she reached the campus that she parked (illegally, once again), rolled up all four windows, then turned off the speakers, the van becoming dead-silent in the matter of seconds. The whirled on Ryuko, grabbing the collar of her shirt and tugging her down to eye-level. Ryuko was mildly impressed by her courage, but mostly irritated that this was even happening.

“You’re dating Satsuki Kiryuin,” she said, brows furrowing, “right?”

“Kind of? I mean, I’m fucking her, if that counts,” Ryuko answered, now that the cat was out of the bag with Mako and Gamagori knowing. “Kinda-girlfriend, I guess.”

She inspected her for a few more moments, and Ryuko was unnerved by the level of focus she put to the task, then let go of her collar and slumped back in her seat.

“So uh… You here to threaten me or something? Tell me to break up with her?” Ryuko asked, prodding her for answers. The clacking of the keyboard in the back seat filled the silence as the other woman constructed an answer.

“No,” she answered simply, scratching the back of her neck. When she looked over at Ryuko and she seemed unsatisfied with her answer, she sighed and added, “I came here, skipped some of my classes, by the way, to let you know that if you fuck around with Satsuki and hurt her, I will loose all of the power I have in order to brutally murder you.”

Ryuko chortled. “You can’t be serious. You’re like. Five feet tall and have no muscle on you. I can beat the shit out of you, no problem.”

“I never said it’d come to a fistfight. I have this car right here.” She glanced over at her and raised a brow. “Can you beat the shit out of a hummer?”

“I mean… I can certainly try,” Ryuko said, covering up her nervousness with false bravado.

The other woman grinned at her. “Yeah. Okay. You’re alright, Matoi,” she said, clapping her on the shoulder before she tugged her back down to her level. “But you mess up and I will seriously kill you. I don’t even care about a life-sentence, I can handle going to jail,” she hissed. “I’d give you the kiss of death like in the Godfather but you’ve got terrible breath. I don’t even know how Satsuki deals with that.”

“The Godfather was a good movie,” she said, trying to bring her away from the whole murder topic.

“It was a fucking masterpiece and stupid teenagers who like it don’t understand the amazing subtle qualities it possesses aside from all of the guns involved and that horse head scene,” she answered. “Also, you never said you’d never hurt her. That’s gonna be a problem.”

Ryuko lifted up her hands defensively. “I wouldn’t hurt her unless she hurt me first,” she said. When the woman didn’t look entirely convinced, she added, “Cross my heart and hope to die.”

The woman looked at her, brows furrowed in disbelief. “What are you, five? Just fucking try to be a human being and don’t fuck things up with her and I won’t have to murder you.”

Ryuko bristled all over again, tugging her up by the collar. “Don’t fucking push me on the murder thing, because I can kill you right now if you’re that set on threatening me like that. Why the fuck are you so dead-set on Eyebrows, anyway? Do  _you_  want to fuck her?”

The other woman didn’t even seem fazed by her new position. “I’ve been in love with her since I’ve met her,” she admitted, shameless, eyes narrowing. “I just want her to be happy.”

Ryuko let go of her and sighed. “Jesus. And people say I’m a piece of work. They obviously haven’t met you,” she said. “Whatever. I’m not gonna treat her any differently now that I have a hobgoblin threatening murder.”

“Hobgoblin’s one I haven’t heard before. I’m not sure if I should be impressed or insulted,” she grumbled.

“Impressed, definitely,” Ryuko answered.

“No, I think insulted is good,” she said instead, and the man in the back seat chortled behind his collar. She smirked in his direction before turning back to Ryuko. “Listen. I learned this from Gamagori, and now I totally get why Satsuki didn’t tell me about you. You’re a piece of fucking work. It’s the morning and you already have a stain on your shirt.” She held her hand up when Ryuko started to say something so she could continue. “But, if you’re who’s making her happy right now I guess I can’t do very much about it, huh?”

Ryuko stared down at her apprehensively. “... I guess not?”

The woman rolled her eyes. “You sound real sure of yourself, Shithead. Get the fuck out of my van before I change my mind and drive you to the desert and abandon you there or something.”

“Yeah, yeah, okay,” Ryuko said as the woman unlocked the doors and began the process of making her hummer as loud as possible again. She stepped out of the car just as the windows finished rolling down, and the other woman glanced over at her.

“I run a marching band. I can literally make them do anything if I threaten their career. Think about that before you do something stupid,” she said.

“She seriously can. She had her lackeys flood the entire basement of some dude’s house when he said that her routine wasn’t any good,” the man in the back seat said, not glancing away from his computer screen at all.

Then, with a wild grin and the start of Vivaldi, she drove off, tires screeching.

“Jesus Christ, Eyebrows,” Ryuko muttered under her breath, strapping her bag to one shoulder and pulling out her phone, “your friends are psychopaths.”


End file.
